sesame wonders.

being poor is hard and frustrating.
working would be really good but it seems impossible and illegal.
berlin is awesome and i don´t want to go home.
i have to replace my roommate´s cologne and it costs 70 euros.
uchicago seems ridiculously expensive and i don´t know if i can make it work for me.
i want to give it a chance though because there´s something about it i fucking love.
i feel like i make bad decisions.
maybe coming here without enough money was a bad decision.
it doesn´t seem so useful to decide that it was.
my roommates are angry because i haven´t replaced the cologne yet. dmitri yelled at me when i got home.
i don´t know if he knew he was yelling. maybe his german is always angry.
i can´t totally explain why i need to move but i don´t feel comfortable at home and i know this feeling well.
i don´t know what is going to happen to me.

i was thinking about the difference between changing and constructing a facade.
in the past i have been accused of changing too easily, of adapting to the people around me. i felt guilty and without rhetorical recourse. it strikes me as funny because i am constantly trying to become a better person, to act in a way that is truer to the way i want to be, and to learn from the people around me. all of these are good things for me. this is not to say that all change is entirely conscious or within my control. change must be navigated in different spaces and reinforced by certain elements of continuity.
one can change one´s body, one´s mind about an issue, one´s opinions, one´s mechanisms for dealing with people, one´s ways of handling stress or emotions or anger, or one´s identification. if a change creates an apparent conflict between the changed person and "what/who they REALLY are," it is revealed that the category of being is probably falsely binary. (for example, gender identification.)
a facade is a false front. it is often constructed out of feelings of desperation and the sense that there is no other way to survive. it creates a distance between the person behind the mask and other people. they may feel as if they become closer to the person without getting behind the facade; ultimately, i think this is a tragic loss for the person behind the wall. there is a shift from feeling as if they need their facade to survive to actually having their life inextricably linked to a charade which has its own autonomy and necessity.
there are likely contradictions between the nature of the facade and the nature of the mask-wearer. the mask-wearer may use elements of people that s/he hates or idolizes most. s/he may own opinions which she does not agree with in order to preserve the apparent continuity of the facade.
the mask-wearer may love the mask, or may hate it.
the person who changes may experience pain in changing; perhaps this is a similarity between him/her and the mask-wearer who fears the erosion or peeling away of the mask. they may have defense mechanisms, conversational habits, or behaviors through which they hold fast to the facade.
if the person who changes is not so different from the person who wears a mask, what does it mean to be a person who changes often? how do feelings of betrayal--self-betrayal or feelings of betrayal from the people close to the metamorph--fit in? are these feelings overcomable or rooted in important truth?
the important difference seems to be that the person who changes does so of their own accord, according to certain moral or ethical convictions, while the mask-wearer has less control over their internal self and heightened control over their external presentation.
however this theory has already been weakened.
perhaps the two are not so different....hm. the two states certainly feel different.

anyway, i´m at home and will probably head out to kreuzberg later, as per usual...recap of the past few days first...

monday.
on time for school: we discussed volunteer work, class divides, and welfare systems. went out to lunch with elena and her friend from school and the discussion turned to marriage since both of them are engaged. i considered gouging my eyes out over the kumpir (baked potato with less potato and more delicious salads of all colors inside.) met up with holly at simitdchi and we wandered around kreuzberg sampling its delights...sleepy cheese and olive sesame delights, goat cheese and peanut/wholegrain bread, olives and more bread, something chocolatey and two-layered. talked about facades and sex and cryptospeak and livejournal. headed back to xb and chilled out. smoked too many cigarettes. someone was having a birthday party and i met a new swedish girl and contemplated the tigress. developed a curriculum for a crusty punk deutsch class with holly that is BRILLIANT.
sunday.
slept until 3 or so at xb. wound up back in kreuzberg at simitdchi. the queer fruit grocery store was closed. ate fucking delicious goat cheese pizza. wound up at que pasa with a pina colada and a fucking delicious enchilada?
saturday.
slept all day. met french girl who was painting a banner (not a poster) calling for the freedom of a political prisoner. not sure what else happened.
friday.
slept in, missed class. went to kreuzberg and ate a halloumi sandwich by gorlitzer bahnhof. went to xb and met izze and some other xbers. went back to mi casa and got dressed. powder eyeliner is better than liquid. köpi party: highlights included...drawing on the table, talking to natxo from majorca (hola coca cola), dancing with boys from valencia when holly was blacked out, laser´s commitment to evil, dance battle on the stage with blonde girl until we were asked to step off for shaking it too much...then walked to the red rose with laser and ran into some cokedup sexy monsters on the way. the red rose is a 24-hr turkish bar in kreuzberg....holly and laser were engaged and a giant german man came and sat by me and i couldn´t understand what he was saying except that i definitely didn´t want to kiss him. took off a bit later and went back to xb?
thursday.
school, discussed health and ways to relieve stress and good and bad effects of stress. holly arrived. watched austin powers (goldmember).

being poor is hard and frustrating.
working would be really good but it seems impossible and illegal.
berlin is awesome and i don´t want to go home.
i have to replace my roommate´s cologne and it costs 70 euros.
uchicago seems ridiculously expensive and i don´t know if i can make it work for me.
i want to give it a chance though because there´s something about it i fucking love.
i feel like i make bad decisions.
maybe coming here without enough money was a bad decision.
it doesn´t seem so useful to decide that it was.
my roommates are angry because i haven´t replaced the cologne yet. dmitri yelled at me when i got home.
i don´t know if he knew he was yelling. maybe his german is always angry.
i can´t totally explain why i need to move but i don´t feel comfortable at home and i know this feeling well.
i don´t know what is going to happen to me.