confusion, written

people...walls and boundaries...desire for closeness (sex? or not)...dealing with being/feeling alone...

language: german is okay enough sometimes and others it fails me, don´t know how to say simple things i need to say (that´s mine, can you fill my cup up with more hot water, how far away is that, how do you engage with a new place) but can talk about more complicated things which is annoying...can understand a lot but miss the punchlines, some nouns--difficulty that i guess is almost totally new. i don´t even think about that as a major difference between here and chicago but of course it´s one of the biggest changes i´m navigating.

(over)thinking relationship between experience and meaning, what kind of experiences can be sought out versus happened upon, how much to trust my instincts or feelings about people (primarily deciding that i don´t want to go out with someone or feeling like i don´t want to go out or talk to people at all, antisociality).

fucked up sleep schedule, wish i could wake up in the morning.

miss. miss everything. miss familiar--anything familiar, whatever familiar is. easy for things to become familiar but takes some energy to initiate and i just can´t think of anything to say, though theoretically it sounds really easy.

food. emotional eating, wanting to eat and eat and eat and not be seen (eat when not around someone i know), don´t actually eat that much but compared to the days where i don´t really eat like anything. on the other hand today i started drinking--beers, slowly--at 2 and drank straight until 12. it makes me quieter. less anxious, but also more blasé, less communicative, more reflective. time passes.

weird in-between period: on the edge of familiarity with the city but hindered by my lack of german; on the edge of being a berliner but totally not; conscious of what´s going on in chicago but it seems like a different world that i sometimes don´t want to have to go back to; between aloneness, homesickness and friendship. between recognition and...its opposite.

being alone is good too but i get so lost in my brain.